Communication!!! Whatever you do as a couple, be it in an
affair or marriage; it does not make sense to break down communication lines as
the results can only be bitter to both of you. You might think you are fixing
him/her but the truth of the matter is you are also fixing yourself. Any day
that you don't spend in a jovial mood is a one less day from your God given
life that you chose to spend miserable.
Please read this>
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea
of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown of Rusape and spend her
remaining years with us. Hubby’s father passed away while he was still very
young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for
him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a
great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to
where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room,
which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and
started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: “Let’s
go fetch mother.” Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest
and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me
into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down,
he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender
and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle
with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment: “I do not know how you young
people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can’t eat
flowers!” I smiled and said: “Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will
also become better.” Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: “Mum,
this is a city-people’s habit; slowly you will get used to it.”
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,
whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her
and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come
home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much
they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about
it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: “You little fool, just don’t tell
her the full price of everything would solve it.” There begins the friction to
our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare
the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife?
At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds
before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her
spoon and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children’s Palace and am
exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury
of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a
deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help
out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For
example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she
sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash
bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the
dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the
dishes, and “Bam” she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to
me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute,
but he totally ignored me……. I got mad and asked him: “What did I do wrong?”
Hubby stared at me and said: “Can’t you just give in to her once? We couldn’t
possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?” After that
incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel
that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period
of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast,
mother took on the “all important” task of preparing breakfast without any
prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating
his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to
perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I
resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in
bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: “LD, is it because you think that
mum’s cooking is not clean that’s why you chose not to eat at home?” He then
turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness
overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: “LD, just for me, can you have
breakfast at home?” I was left with no choice but to return to the breakfast
table…….
This is the second part in the quadrilogy – “Don't Hold
Grudges”.
Whatever you do as a couple be it in an affair or marriage;
it does not make sense to break down communication lines as the results can
only be bitter to both of you. You might think you are fixing him/her but the
truth of the matter is you are also fixing yourself. Any day that you don't
spend in a jovial mood is a one less day from your God given life that you
chose to spend miserable.
Here continues my story …..
…….. The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by
mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be
rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not.
I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out.
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly
in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with
fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I
really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look
at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a
final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days,
hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since
mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do
you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I
simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at
home, I was at the low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: “LD, you look terrible; you
should go and see a doctor.” The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it
became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness
floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn’t hubby, and mother who had
been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason
that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only
been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one
look at him and my heart soften, I couldn’t resist and called out to him. He
followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn’t know
me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I
told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have
such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: “Darling, I am having your
baby!” and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I
wanted didn’t happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down.
Why? Why our love couldn’t even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the
disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That
night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I
saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared
at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and
left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational
man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears
starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to
clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his
secretary gave me a weird look and said: “Your husband’s mother had a traffic
accident and has just dashed off to the hospital.” I stood there in shock. I
rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed
away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at
mother’s pale white and thin face and I couldn’t control the tears in my eyes.
My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to
me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out
brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left
the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go
back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she
tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came
and hit her…I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not
thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if….In his heart, I am
indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother’s room and came home every night
with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and
self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that
we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his
eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had
rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none
of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days
went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continued, we
were living together like strangers who don’t know each other. I am like the
dead knot in his heart…………
This is the third part in the quadrilogy – “Don’t Hold
Grudges”.
Whatever you do as a couple be it in an affair or marriage;
it does not make sense to break down communication lines as the results can
only be bitter to both of you. You might think you are fixing him/her but the
truth of the matter is you are also fixing yourself. Any day that you don't
spend in a jovial mood is a one less day from your God given life that you
chose to spend miserable.
Here continues my story …..
One day, I passed by a city centre Chicken Inn, looking into
the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very
lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering
from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby
and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby,
stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He
stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating,
one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had
stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That
night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to
me: Following mother’s death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I
returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched – he had
returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial
desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my
medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy
carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office
colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will
not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying
mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in
the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee
table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even
looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned
to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: “You
wait a while, I will sign.” He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just
like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself “You cannot
cry, you cannot cry…” my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come
out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby’s eyes stared fixed at my
bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper
towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and
pushed the paper to him. “LD, are you pregnant?” Since mother’s accident, this
is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and
they fell like raindrops. I said: “Yes, but it’s ok, you can leave now.” He did
not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his
tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that
even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he
repeated “sorry” to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but
now I can’t. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look
in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each
other’s heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I
realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other
than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my
heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me,
I don’t take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. >From the
moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my
heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks
in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in
mother’s room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I
kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he
would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he
would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him
and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby’s groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored
him…………………..
This is the last episode of the quadrilogy “Don’t Hold
Grudges” from the prior episodes.
My story …
Almost every day, he would buy something for the baby,
infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and
bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use
this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no
choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his
computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that
matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the
following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain,
hubby came rushing into the room, it’s like he did not change and sleep, and
had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs,
stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my
brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he
carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny
but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love
me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in;
his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with
joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at
me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in
pain… He smiled, but without opening the tired eyes of his… I had thought that
I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a
deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the
time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and
it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he
first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
“Prepare for his funeral.”
I disregarded the nurse’s objection and rushed home, I went
into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hit me. Hubby’s
cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought
that… the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: “Son,
just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall,
is my biggest wish now… I know that in your life, you will have many happiness
and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey,
how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has
written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may
encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can
refer to daddy’s suggestion….
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I
have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and
also the one who loves me most…” From play school to primary school, to
secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love,
everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
“My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me
for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our
baby…My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would
smile, thank you for loving me…These presents, I’m afraid I cannot give them to
our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year,
the dates on what to give, and when are all written on the packaging… “
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I
brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: “Open your eyes and
smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms…” He
struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms
was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera
and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down
my face…. A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this
world is gone forever…”Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the
blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intent of having Mother enjoy
some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly
wrong as destiny’s secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too
late.”……….
(culled from Facebook)
(culled from Facebook)
